Oh, Katie

I took my lunch break at 10:30 to buy snakes for Halloween. I thought I was being smart and beating the lunch rush. No. I was not. The line wrapped around the inside of the store. There were loud fucking kids and people who spoke no English all over the place. The only way to do battle against these sorts of people is to be an annoying white man, so I called Mike and talked loudly on the phone for about half of the 40 minute line, and I basked in the irritated, hateful glares of my fellow patrons. Score one for the white man!

Then, when I was driving back from lunch, Brand Boulevard was closed because there was a bomb in a building or something. I work on Brand Boulevard. Ugh. I wanted to fucking die from the traffic.

Side Note:

I was sitting in the office much later this afternoon when we found out that the closure of Brand was a bomb threat (and thus probably the fault of a white or arab man), not black people shooting each other again (which was the obvious assumption)…and I almost talked a manager of another department into evacuating us TWO HOURS AFTER THE WHOLE THING WAS OVER. He said he would do it if Kris would run through the lobby screaming, “I’m on fire!”

Kris is a selfish bastard.

I finally got to work (an hour and fifteen minutes after clocking out), and realized, while in the elevator, that one of the snakes was hooked onto my purse. I set it on my desk and forgot it was even there.

Until Suzy and Carol came over to my desk to discuss Halloween (girls love this shit), and they noticed my snake.

So Suzy and I realized that our mission—should we choose to accept it—was to freak out as many people as humanly possible over the next few days.
There’s a girl in accounting who is seriously annoying. She’s one of those retards who leave clients messages that run too long, and she has to call back to leave a second message to sum-up and apologize. Obviously this girl was our first victim. The girl has an inkling that I H.A.T.E. her (I give her “the look” a lot), so it was up to Suzy to carry out the nefarious scheme. She waited until accounting girl was looking in a mirror and playing with her hair, then set the snake on her shoulder. The girl patted it with her hand for a second, became absolutely horrified, tilted the hand mirror so she could see what she was holding, and SCREAMED. I mean, we’re talking Janet Leigh in the shower screaming. It was one of the greatest moments of my entire life.

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I wish I could just wear my Sexy Cinderella costume to all 3 parties instead of just one, because now I’m thinking I don’t want to be Electra…mostly because Mike, who is 41 and literate, had no idea who she is…so no one will even get it. The idea of having to explain my witty costume to so many people is just horrific…So now I’m using the same costume, but going as Cleopatra…with 2 snakes biting my breast, since that’s how Shakespeare says she killed herself.
To this end, I dyed my hair dark brown and chopped it to my shoulders last night. And wasted my lunch break on snake-buying.

I’m an idiot.