Dear Woman Who Won’t Shut Up About Her Stupid Fucking Kid,

We all know that you think your daughter is a genius. We all know how funny you think it is when she says things like, “Get with the program, Mom.” Guess how we know. No, really—guess. Take a fat fucking guess how the hell we know that you are amazed by every little thing your daughter does. That’s right: because you tell us.

Your daughter sounds like a moron, which is just shocking considering your staggering intellect.
Let me break this down for you:

1) She will not win the national spelling bee. I know she won her class spelling bee because she studied real hard, but the she LOST the one for the fourth graders from her school. I mean, she couldn’t even beat the 6 other retarded 9-year-olds from her grade. STOP TELLING ME SHE IS PROBABLY GOING TO WIN NATIONALS NEXT YEAR.

2) No one cares that your daughter is the only student in her class with two “jobs” because she was such a good hall monitor they made her a classroom monitor as well. To be honest with you, this little girl of yours sounds like a real douche. Once a rat, always a rat, and rats don’t have friends.

3) The snobby, rude little comments she directs your way are not endearing. They really, really, really aren’t. She is a spoiled little brat, and probably has no friends and will die alone…which brings me to

4) That face. Seriously. I know that all parents think their children are perfect and beautiful and all that (I like to think this won’t be true of me, by the way—I’ll love my children enough not to need to lie to myself about their attributes), but she looks like her head was attacked by a flock of rabid bulldogs.

Now that you have been equipped with this knowledge, you are to refrain from boring me with asinine stories about your little moron. Seriously. I don’t care how Asian she is, she’s just not a genius. She maybe be one of the only two Asian girls in America who are both ugly and retardedly stupid…but them’s the cards she was dealt.

Seriously. Never, ever, ever speak to me about your fucking child again. Ever. Ever ever ever.

Best Regards,

A Concerned Co-worker