Of Spiders and Men

So a few days ago, Laura woke me up in the middle of the night because there was a spider on the floor outside my bedroom. I yelled for her to spray it with hairspray and cover it with a cup. Then I opened the door, and she was just fucking shaking. So I got a wine glass and replaced the mug she had used to cover the creepy so we could see what was going on with him. He was not moving. He looked dead. Laura walked away and started crying (she was very, very tired). I didn’t’ trust mister creepy, so I took a Macy’s box and slid it under the glass to pick him up with the glass still trapping him, and he freaked the fuck out and started running around in circles. I stifled a scream. I closed my eyes, pressed my temples, composed myself (somewhat), and then sat there for probably an hour doing battle with cardboard and such before getting him into the toilet for flushing.

If Laura and I were normal, we could have squashed senor creeps with a shoe and been done with it, but that’s not how we roll. We roll pussy-style, and probably always will.

So: yesterday.

Laura called me at 4-ish, freaking the fuck out because she tossed all the Christmas stuff in the box the Christmas tree goes in to get it out of her way while she cleaned (we will, on occasion, clean our place of residence--maybe once or twice a year). Then, she saw a spider on the box and tried to spray him with poison...but did not succeed before he crawled INTO THE GODDAMN BOX THAT I HAVE TO FUCKING EMPTY TO PUT AWAY THE TREE. You cannot comprehend how horrible this is if you don’t have at least a basic understanding of my terror of all things with legs numbering >4.

Our solution? We're going to go ahead and clean the whole apartment; then, when the last thing to do is put away the tree, Laura's friend Matt is going to come over and empty the box for us. Yeah. We are just that pathetic.

Oh, one more thing: Laura woke me up at 3:00 last night because she couldn’t find her Starbucks hat. She’d been looking for two hours. I got out of bed and started looking, and she found it within four minutes—literally four minutes. It was funny.

Honestly, though, I think she found it before I got up. It was behind the couch, and I think she was too scared to reach behind there and pick it up without me out there. Because of, you know, the spider thing. She is so, so, so, so cute.